Not Enough
by justme345
Summary: Sometimes you just need to know that you are loved.
1. Chapter 1

"_What_?"

"_I said Luke…will you marry me_?"

This conversation had taken place over two minutes ago. Since that time, neither one of the participants had moved or spoken a word. Around them the air was still as the distant sound of bikes whizzing by filled the quiet night. Minds reeled, questions were formed, and yet neither of them made a move. It was as if the pause button had been hit, and no one seemed to know how to get it working again.

It was not that Lorelai wanted to remain in their little cocoon of silence. Quite the opposite actually. At that moment she had so many questions, so many doubts, and so many things running through her mind that all had to do with the man standing in front of her. But it was not her turn to speak. The silent minutes were killing her, putting even more doubt into her mind, but he was the one that had to break the silence. Lorelai was the one to start this conversation, and now he was the one that had to end it.

_Tick, tick, tick._

Another minute passed. Doubt suddenly morphed into paralyzing fear while the silence slowly killed her. She watched every little movement he made, trying to read his body language. He tightened his fists. _Does he not feel the same way I do_? He bit his bottom lip on the left side. _Was this all a big mistake_? His eyes moved between staring at the ceiling and looking down at the floor. _Is he trying to figure out how to say no_? Lorelai was about to give up, grab her purse and go home, when Luke was suddenly pushed into play.

Moving from his spot in front of her, he walked slowly around the diner finishing his cleaning up routine. Luke wiped down tables, put chairs upside-down, removed salt and pepper shakers, and swept the floor seemingly oblivious to a stunned Lorelai still sitting in the same chair by the window. When he grabbed a rag and started to wipe the counter, she finally spoke for the first time in ten minutes.

"So, how's it going?" she asked, trying to get some kind of reaction out of him. "I bet Taylor is pissed about the bikers showing up so late. Weren't they supposed to be here, what, six hours ago? It makes you wonder what happened along the way. Maybe they ran into Lance Armstrong or Oprah or somebody and decided hey, who cares about this stupid race? Why don't we just go to Starbucks and have a chat over a coffee that I can't pronounce that will cost me half of my next paycheck?" She chuckled lightly at her own joke, and looked down at her hands as it became obvious that Luke was not going to answer her. Instead, he continued to wipe the same spot on the counter in silence.

"Okay, Luke, I give up. What is going on? Have you recently decided to become a mime and figured that this is just the right time to start practicing? Did Taylor put up security cameras that see through that stupid dividing window and anything you say will be used against you? Or, the more practical choice of the evening, are you just so mortified that you don't know what to say to me?" By that time Lorelai had moved up to the counter and was standing only a few feet from him, confusion written all over her face, yet still he said nothing.

"Come on Luke! You have to say something. Tell me that you want to move Alaska and live out your dream of ice fishing. Tell me that you and Kirk decided to go into business together selling baseball caps with funny sayings on them. Tell me that my mother came in here today and ate her pasta with a salad fork. Tell me anything Luke! I am dying here and you are the only one that can save me!" With her final words Lorelai slammed her fists on the counter, worn out and angry from being ignored.

As he played with the frayed edges on the old dish rag, Luke gave a heavy sigh and stared at the counter. "No" he stated quietly, and Lorelai's heart dropped through her stomach.

"No, what do you mean no? I just asked you like ten questions, no could be an answer to any of them." She was feeling desperate at this point, and her lungs felt as if they had all the air sucked out of them. "Luke, what does no mean? No, you don't want to freeze your butt of in Alaska sitting on a frozen lake all day or…or no, you don't want to marry me?" The last part of her sentence was said barely above a whisper, and Lorelai's throat felt as if it had closed up.

"No." he repeated, looking up from the rag and into her eyes this time. His body was slumped forward, and his eyes gave a look of defeat. Lorelai was left speechless as she understood what question he was answering.

Suddenly he left his place from behind the counter and walked passed her. He flipped the sign to closed, locked the door, and turned out the lights. When he started to walk up the stairs toward his apartment, Lorelai was thrown from her trance and ran after him.

"Luke, please talk to me. Do you not think I am being serious? Because I am Luke, I am. I want to marry you, more than anything. I know I don't have a ring to give you, not that you would wear an engagement ring because you are a guy, but that shouldn't matter because I love you! Okay, do you understand me, I love you! Don't you want to marry me? I know I drive you insane sometimes, and you are completely disgusted by my eating habits, but I thought you loved me too Luke. So please, can you just talk to me? Please? Let's just go inside your apartment and talk about this. Even if you don't really want to marry me, we can figure something out; we can talk about the future. Please Luke, I'm begging you here. Can we please just talk about this? "

As the two of them reached the door to his apartment, Luke slowly opened it and turned around to face her. Her eyes were welling up with tears and silently pleading with him, while his remained unmoved and unconcerned. "Just go home Lorelai."

"No, Luke, no! I just can't go home and let everything stay like this between us. I can't go through the pain of losing you again. I can't!"

"Lorelai, just go home." With that, Luke turned around, walked into his apartment, and closed the door. Unbelievable pain filled Lorelai's body as she slid down the wall of the narrow hallway into a sitting position, finally letting her tears fall freely.


	2. Chapter 2

_So last time I forgot to put on a disclaimer. Sorry about that, but if you actually thought I owned any of these ch__aracters maybe you should take a __visit the__ nice men with the white coats. By the way, that was my disclaimer for all of you that didn't catch__ on to easily_

Somehow you always seem to be smarter while lying on your bed and staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night. Any problem is surmountable, every question has a simple answer, and pain is no match against the indestructible walls around your heart. Suddenly you are on top of the world, the all knowing, the all powerful, because your plain white spackled ceiling is a crystal ball into the unknown. Of course, the five shots of whisky that are running through your blood stream can only add to the feeling.

Luke had been on his bed for exactly three hours and twenty-seven minutes. Each time he looked over at his clock to see if time had skipped forward a few hours or even a few days, he was sadly disappointed to find that it had only moved to another minute. This is how he knew he had been lying on his back and drinking shots for the better part of four hours. For most of this time Luke had felt sad, confused, frustrated, angry, and even self-loathing. Now though, as he was about to embark on the twenty-eighth minute of the third hour, he felt wise.

Since the time of Lorelai's proposal Luke had been questioning himself. Does he love Lorelai? _Yes._ Does he want to marry her? _Absolutely._ Should he have been the one to propose? _Most likely._ Would kids be alright? _Maybe._ Would he be a good father? _Maybe not._ Could he provide her with anything she wanted? _Possibly._ Did she ask him to marry her out of desperation? _Probably._ Does she love him enough? _Probably not._ Does he deserve her? _No._ Will her parents ever accept him? _No._ Will she be happy staying in Stars Hollow forever? _No._

He jumped from topic to topic in this questioning process, almost as if he were a shrink analyzing what went on in his thought process. Some questions were important, some were worthless, some were silly, and he guessed that a few were induced by the flask of whisky in his left hand. One particular question though seemed to be lodged in his brain, popping up every few minutes or so. For a while it would bug him at the most inconvenient of times, but now during this twenty-seventh minute he realized it was the most important question of all.

Does Lorelai deserve to be happy? _Yes._

While looking into his crystal ball, Luke realized that it does not matter what he wants or what he believes: everything depends on what will make Lorelai happy. He feels triumphant in this discovery, though if prompted he would tell you that he knew this from the beginning. No matter. For the first time that night he felt serene, confident, and wise beyond belief. "_Any other of life's mysteries for me to answer?" _he asked himself, accompanied by a light chuckle. With a small smile Luke looked over at his clock and saw the small minute hand approach and surpass the number twelve on the top of the face.

Three hours and thirty minutes.

Suddenly, Luke sat up and opened the top drawer of his nightstand. Hesitantly, he reached in and picked up the small black jewelry box that had been calling his apartment home for a few weeks. Opening the lid and staring at the beautiful diamond, he remembers how it had come into his possession. About a month ago, Liz had called insisting that he and Lorelai come over for dinner before the Renaissance Fair started up again. Luke of course declined instantly by the thought of having to spend an extended amount of time with TJ, but his sister won in the end. When the time came to tell Lorelai of the unfortunate evening bearing down upon them, she seemed downright excited for it. With hands flailing in the air she recalled the wedding of last spring, asked if TJ would draw anything on his etch-a-sketch and requested that Luke not listen while she and Liz blatantly talk about him. Stunned, he asked her how she could actually look forward to dinner with his crazy sister and nut case of a brother-in-law.

"They're your family Luke," she responded sincerely. "I just want to know them." Amazed, he simply gave her a kiss as a response.

"Hey Luke?" she questioned after they pulled away.

"Yeah?"

"Do you think TJ will mention his air pants?" she asked while breaking out into a huge grin.

"Dear lord I hope not", Luke grumbled in return and received a bout of laughter from Lorelai.

Though he whined and complained for an entire week leading up to it, the night turned out to be quite enjoyable. Luke of course did the cooking while Lorelai and Liz chatted up a storm. Only two slightly confusing comments made by TJ filled the room with awkward silence, and for some reason he felt very calm while sitting on the couch with his girlfriend close by, talking and laughing over dessert. Once everyone had said their goodbyes, Liz pulled Luke up to her bedroom claiming to have something important to talk about. There, she pulled out a box covered in soft black velvet that contained an old engagement ring.

"It was our mother's," she explained. "I got it just before dad died. Jess and I were visiting him at the hospital when he handed this to me. Dad said that I needed something to remember my mother by, and that you wouldn't feel the need to wear jewelry any time soon. It's really hard to see it go, but I think you need it more than me now," she told him while placing the small box in his hand. "Put it to good use Luke," Liz said with a smile and she guided him back downstairs to where Lorelai was waiting for him.

For a short time, he really believed that the ring would be put to good use. It was not that he had never considered proposing before, but seeing the gift from Liz made the possibility real to him. After Lorelai would fall asleep at night, Luke would stay up imagining when he would ask her, if he should ask Rory's permission first and more importantly if she would say yes. He finally decided that getting the ring sized would be a good first step. Everything seemed to be going great. That is, until he heard his new least favorite word.

Mull: to go over extensively in the mind, to ponder. Luke hated that she was so indecisive about this job opportunity. What was so great about it anyway? Did Lorelai really want to sit topless on a beach in France while getting hit on by countless men? Could she actually be happy hopping from country to country without him? The problem for Luke was that he could see her doing all of those things. Lorelai would be fantastic at traveling the world, telling people how to run their inns, and becoming a huge success. During the day she would sit at the counter and tell him all that this new job entailed, how much Mike Armstrong wanted her, and how excited Sookie was. At night when they were hidden under the covers she would whisper to him how she had never seen her father so proud of her before. Lorelai was extraordinarily happy, and for the first time in a long time it had nothing to do with Luke.

With a sigh he placed the ring back inside the nightstand and stared into the ceiling again. To be honest, Luke did not know why he had turned down her proposal while it was happening. His heart was saying that this is what he truly wanted, that she was choosing him over the job, but his brain was being rational and declined the offer. Luke knew that in the morning he could walk over to Lorelai's house, produce the ring and come up with some theory that he just wanted to be the one to propose. She would then fly into his arms and say yes repeatedly, with the possibility of tears running down her face. Would this make her happy though?

"No," he responded to his silent apartment as he continued to look into the crystal ball. She might say that the job is not for her and that marrying him would make her happy, but he did not believe it. Luke saw her face as she was talking about this job. He saw her eyes light up with the possibility of the entire world becoming her home. A small part of him thought that if she loved him enough the job could just go away and she could be content to live in Stars Hollow. But what was enough? Luke knew that she did love him, but was she in love with him? Would she give up her dream and whole lot of money just to stay here with him? Unfortunately, these were answers his ceiling could not provide.

If they were to get married, Luke wanted to have all of her. He wanted to know that she would be there for him no matter what happened, no matter what the future might hold. Maybe this is the reason why he turned down her proposal. Luke didn't know if he would have that guarantee. He didn't know that she would always love him, take care of him, and never want to leave his side. And suddenly, not really knowing how Lorelai really felt was just not enough.

Three hours and thirty-five minutes.

_H__ey, would it kill you to review? If you would actually keel over from pressing that purple button thing, by all means just go on your merry way but if not, could you show some love?__ I know people have been reading this by the number of hits, but I want to know if you actually like it. I don't need anything extravagant, just a simple "good" or "it sucks" will do the trick._


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